Monday 9 Muḥarram 1446 - 15 July 2024
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Is it wrong to feel more connected to an adopted child than to my own child?

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Publication : 20-06-2024

Views : 2177

Question

 I am asking because I want to get some clarification. My understanding if a divorce should happen and I have children with said wife, the ex-wife have custody of the child until the child reaches age 7. At that point, the child can decide if he/she wants to live with his mother or stay with his father. But usually 90% to 95% of the time the child wants to stay with the mother and not the father and as a dad I don\'t want to force my child to stay with me if he/she wants to stay with the mom. So the child will stay with the mother and the more the child stays with the mother, the more difficult the child would want to do anything with me and the more the child will hold characteristics of his/her mother and way of life.... which mean the more I will become like an uncle or a stranger visiting the house and visiting a child...at that point I also feel weird visiting the child....so the connection will be limited to phone calls and emails possibly and as time pass I will be like relative than an actual parent with parental connection. Am I wrong to feel more bound to the adapted than my own? Am I the only one who feels like this?

Answer

Praise be to Allah.

You should understand – may Allah keep you safe and sound – that it is possible, on the basis of real-life experience and rational thinking, for a father to form a bond with a child other than his own that is stronger than his bond with his own child, because of spending a great deal of time with him, or because the way the child acts and speaks indicates that the child is attached to that man in a manner that he does not see in his own child.

It is also possible that a child does not bond with his father, even if they live in the same house, either because the father treats him harshly or neglects him. These are natural feelings that fathers and children may feel in such circumstances.

Yet despite that, the natural inclination that Allah has instilled in people remains deeply rooted in the soul of the father and the soul of the son, and this prevents the father from becoming no more than a stranger like other people, and prevents the son from becoming a stranger like other children.

No matter what happens, this natural inclination that Allah has instilled in people will remain deep in your child’s heart, and he will not be able to ward it off or ignore it under any circumstances.

Moreover, it will increase in strength and depth if you show love to him, let him know that you care for him and treat him kindly.

The point is that it is important for you to be a positive and active presence in your child’s life – in this situation – and you cannot do without that. So you should strive to see him regularly and do not stop visiting him, following his progress and showing him that you are keen to see him by all possible means.

You should also strive to show your love for him in words and deeds and in the way in which you interact with him.

You should show him that you appreciate him and praise him every time you meet him; you should encourage him, support his skills and hobbies that are dear to his heart, be gentle when advising him, and show him your disapproval in a gentle and loving manner when he behaves in a manner that is not appropriate.

And Allah knows best.

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Source: Islam Q&A